Originally Posted by
Cascabel 
Last night, for some reason, I had a martini and a half bottle of Merlot with dinner out. It was almost as though a stranger entered my head and took over the proceedings. I felt as though I was a disinterested outside observer of the whole thing. And, worse yet, I really enjoyed the martini, truth be told. I woke this morning clear headed but really disappointed with myself.
Cascabel, I am glad that you posted and that you're back on track. That's the important thing. Part of the success of this board is people sharing things (in a loving manner) when they recognize something that hits home for them. It's useless posting things that are mean and not helpful so please, please, take this for what it's meant to be. Something to be mindful of the next time that this happens.
I have been through exactly what you stated above and for me I consider it to be transferring of blame. For me it was stepping outside of myself long enough so that I could allow myself to take that drink and to not blame myself for it because there's no way that I would have made that decision. Not me! As long as I could transfer the blame onto others for my drinking then I didn't have to be accountable or responsible for that action. You may have felt like an outside observer but what that really was is you not wanting to believe that you allowed yourself to drink. It's nothing more than another way to find a reason to drink and I know how disheartening that is. I've done the same. The follow up of having enjoyed the martini and waking up clearheaded is a scary thought process. Please, please focus on the fact that regardless of those two things the focus has to be on the disappointing feeling that you had about the whole mess. If you don't do that the next time that the AV comes calling what you will remember is the great martini and how you were able to have that and wake up feeling just fine. It's all a mind game that alcohol plays with us. We didn't make the choice to drink, someone else did. We enjoyed the drink and we woke up clear headed. All big red danger flags. Realize this for what it was and keep that feeling of disappointment close. Honesty is always important. You started the post with "Last night, for some reason" You know what the reason was. You wanted to drink. That's a hard fought thing to be honest with yourself about. What was happening before you went to dinner? Were you thinking about martinis and wine before you even got there or was there a spur of the moment, give me one attitude? Important things to consider before you head out again.
The next time you're headed out to dinner run for deeker's 24 hour thread. If you have to write that name on a piece of paper and when your head starts playing the game pull it out and look at it.
You CAN do this!