Hi Rice!
Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds intense and it says a lot about how much of a survivor you are that you are posting here and taking control of this now. You don't sound like you are playing the victim to me at all, you sound like someone who is looking at your behaviors that you want to change and putting it in the larger context. Take comfort in that. So many feelings of all sorts seem stuffed into those memories you described just briefly to us.
I am new-ish to SR, but I have found that mooing out all of my pain and angst here has been invaluable, and I can say with conviction that I would not have gotten through some of my hardest moments without knowing that I can come here for support. I am confident you will have the same experience.
We can't change the past, and we have to live with our memories and how we experienced them, but we can definitely control how we experience our future. You sound like a highly functioning person. I want to encourage you to see this as a clean slate, to see a doctor, a therapist, go to AA or any other program, and do what you need to do to get the help you need.
The most powerful way we can take control of our lives is to gather all the resources around us to do it.
Smiles and be well.