Just thought I would share my experience. Some of you may remember me. My experience was the same as many on this board but with the added twist of my ex being a police officer. He was very abusive verbally and occasionally physically when drinking. We were the type of family that people envied from the outside but behind closed doors were a mess.
I gained a few inches of strength to leave after reading posts here for a few months. I made excuses to myself constantly regarding being able to protect the children better and that I could control the situation better staying. I was dying inside and thought I was strong.
I had no exit plan. I was going to fix it. My sons were 7 and 3 at the time. We had all been through a lot. But the last straw was when I was in the house and my ex had the boys outside and my youngest fell off a gate by the barn and broke his arm and my ex did nothing, opened my eyes fully. Not only did he do nothing but put him in his car seat in his truck to "rest" because he was crying so much. When my son fell asleep, most likely from the pain, he drove both boys to the gas station to buy more beer. When they got back, I was shocked. I was cooking dinner, I did not even know they had left the property. My ex was wasted. My young son wanted me but my ex just growled at me that he was handling it, that he was his father after all. When I suggested we have the hospital look at his arm, my ex was furious and said I was overreacting. I slept in the other room that night after my ex passed out. I woke in the middle and threw up because I knew it was not OK.
I left the next day. I recount this as an example that even if you are there, it does not mean bad things will not happen. (I took him to the hospital that morning without consulting my EX and yes, his arm was broke in two places.)
We have had major ups and downs since I left over two years ago but the world has opened up. My ex currently only gets supervised visits but will be starting three hours of unsupervised a week this weekend. The good thing is that the courts and everyone involved is going to be watching how he handles this step forward, so close.
My children have changed dramatically for the good since we left. I cannot stress enough how important it is to get them into counseling. At first, while my ex still had 1/2 time custody, my older son was obsessive about everything. Checking doors and windows, to ensure we were safe. He would not speak up for himself and would have constant stomach aches. I documented, documented, documented.
It was horrible for about 6 months but he finally took enough rope and has had only supervised visits since. The court appointed the boys their own attorney and I got my older son in counseling.
His grades have gone from C's and D's to Honor Roll every semester since I left. He is so much stronger and stands up for himself now. Sometimes to the point I want to tell him to knock it off! He quit licking his lips until they were chapped all the way around. He plays sports and has friends at school.
This is not all without tons of work on my part. I decided that I wanted us to be proud of our lives. That I would do whatever it took to make sure that my sons would never treat a woman treated the way they saw me treated. Oh, my son just got an award at school for "Compassion". I am doing something right.....it is not easy though but really is it, that much more effort than it took to keep the peace with my Ex? To deal with the crazy his drinking brought in my house. Nope. And I love the "kid crazy" I have now.
It is not perfect. We are a work in progress. I've noticed both boys have been making up stories about stuff they have done with their Dad or telling friends about things they are going to do with their Dad, that just are not true. I have been discussing it with them. My older son will always chose to a homebody rather than go out if given the option. Like I said, working on it. I am very aware of the nuances going on with us.
Life can be better. You don't have to suffer for love. Yes, I wish my marriage had worked out. I wish I could have "fixed" his drinking if I tried hard enough. But I had to pull my head out of the sand and take a good hard look at my life. I hit the point that I was more afraid to stay than go.......
I wish anyone in this situation still, all the positive vibes I can send. Remember, you can stand up and say that you deserve to love yourself and your children in a healthy way. You don't have to settle for the scraps your A will throw your way when they feel you pulling away.
4MyBoys