Feeling "done"
Hi everyone,
I don't post here much, so I'll just quickly re-cap my story:
I'm a double winner with almost a year of sobriety. I've been in Al-Anon for about 4 months, AA for about 2 months. AH is actively drinking with no plans to stop. 6 months ago, I learned that AH had cheated on me 8 months prior to that (so 14 months ago). I only learned this b/c I tested positive for an STD and he decided to tell me then. He said he blacked out and doesn't remember anything of the infidelity, only that he thinks something *might* have happened....well, obviously it did.
Besides the infidelity, he is great. He is an excellent dad (we have 3 young girls), and he is my best friend. We enjoy spending as much time as possible together. Yes, he is an alcoholic, but a functional one.
I've been going through the stages of grief with the infidelity. I was in denial, angry, then I tried bargaining (thinking if I became more sexual he would never need to look elsewhere), then depression (which I'm still in now), and now I've kind of come to acceptance.
My mom cheated on my dad 20 years ago, and this ended in divorce. My relationship with my mom to this day is shaky at best. I've never really gotten over it. We've gone for years without talking throughout the past 2 decades. So infidelity is the ONE THING I just can't deal with.
I tried. I thought it would get better with time, but it seems to be getting worse. And his drinking doesn't help things. When I come home from a meeting or from school and he is hammered, it just makes me even more angry about the underlying issue...the infidelity. My stomach is in a constant knot, I can't eat, so I'm losing weight, and I just feel so unhappy and broken. I can't let it go and it's poisoning me. I can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. The trust is broken and I just don't see a way to ever get back to where we were.
So I told him this. I told him that I didn't see it ending well, and I have to do what is best for me. I need to be healthy. He is very sad, but he gets it. He says he's going to moderate his drinking (good luck) and try to win my trust back. I told him there is really nothing he can do. So we are in a holding pattern now. We are still together, but I don't know for how long. The kids don't know anything yet...we are both worried about how to deal with that. Also, I'm a stay at home mom...I haven't worked in almost 10 years and have no income. I really don't know how this is all going to work. I just have to live one day at a time and believe that things will work out the way they are supposed to.
My sponsor warns me against doing anything rash. I know I've only been in program for 4 months, and you're supposed to wait a year before doing anything big, but I just can't live with him anymore...it's making me sick. And I don't know if him leaving will make me feel any better honestly. I just know that what I'm doing now isn't working.
Thoughts? Experience? Hugs?