- I have it as under control as I can
- What if this is the time he takes his "r" attempt seriously
- I'm afraid to be alone
^^^ These were my reasons. The biggie was "I have it under control, I'm just venting."
The thing that someone said to me that sat like a brick in my stomach was, "Your kids only get one childhood."
I looked at my son and the last few years of chaos he'd shouldered through, and how I was turning him into a miniature codependent by staying with his step-dad, and I looked at this darling one-year-old baby who clinged to me like a barnacle and was already experiencing anxiety and difficulty self-soothing, and I knew I didn't have it in me anymore to pretend everything was fine or make these kids live through more craziness just to keep myself from feeling bad feelings because of thin reasons and what-ifs.
I only get one chance with them. I was tired, I was not being a great parent, and I firmly believe I had no chance to be a good parent until AH and his drinking, lying, and excuse-making was out of the home.
Since I made him leave, our lives improved tenfold. Twentyfold!