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Old 11-20-2013, 07:11 AM
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wanttobehealthy
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
How it impacts the kids to stay w an A

If you're here, have kids, live with an A and wonder if it can work I just wanted to share my experience...

When I first came here and for well over a year after I arrived (probably longer even) I had the following responses about why I stayed when some wiser members told me in no undertsin terms that I was harming my kids by staying.

It's disturbing to me now to see how my excuses and those I hear others saying sound a lot like the excuses our A's make to maintain their addiction status quo... Of course I wasn't aware of that then and I judge no one who is in the same boat I was but I've become keenly aware of this recently and seeing a post from Anvil & Suki to Lewis (the same posts I didn't listen to for a long time . ) made me think that I wanted to start a new thread. Maybe something I say will help someone else and even if not, it helps me to get it out...

- It will disrupt them more to leave and upset the apple cart... Now isn't the right time
- I have a plan... There's a deadline (rarely was this true or did I intend to stick to it when it was)
- I can protect them better being here instead of sharing time w them & having them elsewhere w their dad (this one I still struggle with)
- My situation is unique- you don't understand
- I'm in al anon and aware of whats happening & have it as under control as I can
- I can't afford to leave
- What if this is the time he takes his "r" attempt seriously
- I'm afraid to be alone

Anvil & Suki among others gave me a advice I now find myself gently giving to others about thinking about ones kids first and grasping the devastating impact of living w an A for them.

When I was given that advice I got defensive, had every reason in the world why I had it under control and knew best what was best for my kids.... I couldn't stand to think that I was not in control of keeping my kids safe by choosing to stay w AH. I'm their mom and I've got this was what I believed.

I never knowingly intentionally put my kids in harms way BUT by staying w an A, no matter how much I went to al anon or took them to therapy or didn't fight w the A THEY WERE HARMED.

My 8 yr old has significant anxiety, executive functioning deficitis, difficulty w friendships, trust issues, issues w afrection and tolerating expression of emotions. She's a mess. To the outside world she seems ok. But I see a shell of the heathy happy girl she ought to be and the more she opens up in therapy about what she has worried about and thought and felt and feared the more I hate myself for staying w her dad. The silent tension that we lie to ourselves about and say doesn't impact the kids DOES.

My 5 yr old has serious anger at home and is withdrawn at school. She has stomach issues constantly and tells her dad how she feels when he upsets her and he has all out rejected her. D8 plays the baby role w XAH so he likes her still. D5 is feisty so he has pushed her away.

My kids are going to be ok w therapy and love and time BUT I can't make up for the years of their childhoods that they had to worry, be angry, deal w tension, be more responsible than they should have had to be, be ignored bc I was preoccupied w xAH etc....

Deep down I think I knew staying wasn't EVER going to work but I wasn't willing to give up my hope, my lifestyle, my familiarity, my routines etc... So I had all the same reasons I hear many of us giving for why "my situation" was "unique" and that I had it under control.

While I argued that point my kids were being hurt and I hope if one person reads this and can be a better parent than I was and leave FOR YOUR KIDS SAKE sooner than I did, then it will be worthwhile having said it.

And even if it impacts no one, it's helpful for me to get it out and to give Suki and Anvil the shout out they deserve for having been right all along... Just wish I had been able to hear it sooner.
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