One common theme that seems to run through a lot of the posts is grief, specifically when the addict is no longer in our lives (through our choice or theirs). When I was going through a hard time regarding my AXGF, there was one book that was unbelievably helpful.
It's called
Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road, and it's author is the drummer/lyricist of the rock band Rush, Neil Peart.
In a one year span between August 1997 and June 1998, Peart lost his daughter in a car accident and his common law wife to cancer. Devastated, he hopped on his motorcycle in August 1998 and hit the road, logging about 56,000 miles in a two year period. He went as far north as the Arctic Circle, and as far south as Balize. The book chronicles his travels, his thoughts, and how he was able to survive his tragedies.
Peart ended up remarrying in 2000, and he had a another daughter in 2009. Rush just got off the road in support of their
Clockwork Angels album, and the tour was a huge critical success. But when Peart looks back to that dark period in his life, what he says struck a chord with me:
The scars remain tender. Never, ever healed, but only lightly scabbed over. Time does not heal all wounds, but only allows us to adapt, if we can, to a life that is forever altered. Some wounds are like physical disabilities that will never heal, but can only be compensated for, adapted to. Now when I think back to the dark years of the late ’90s, I feel far away in time, even unto building a new life and new memories, and my Ghost Rider persona seems ever more distant—unknowable.
I think this a healthy way to look at loss. It makes sense. And the choice that Peart made was to somehow move forward with his life, even though there were plenty of times he didn't want to move forward.
So, I recommend anyone dealing with grief to check out Peart's book. It's a really, really good read and very helpful.
ZoSo