Florence- holy crap we are twins. My mother is ******** that I've told her this isn't HER divorce and that I'll deal w it my way (aka not ruining my kids lives w my own anger or smearing my ex). My lawyer wanted to talk to my mom bc she's witnessed a lot of XAH's abuse and drinking and know what my mom talked about w my lawyer? How much harder SHE had it w my dad when they divorced. She spent 2 hrs talking about herself. Then my mom reported to me that my lawyer said things to her about what an injustice I was doing to my kids by allowing XAH to see them and that I ought to violate the court order and not let him see them. I asked my lawyer about this knowing my mom was lying and sure enough she was.
We got engaged on Xmas day and I thought my family would be kind to me once XAH was on the scene bc they seemed to like him but I still was never fully treated like a part of the family- my OWN family. And xAHs family hated me for "taking him away from them" so I had this delusion that he and I would create our own healthy family of our own and fix all then things that we didn't have in our own families growing up. Yeah that didn't happen.
I have tried to accept my family where they are and be loving and kind no matter what but being treated like a pariah when I've done NOTHING wrong has been life since I was a kid. Someone had to be the scapegoat for my moms borderline personality disorder & probable narcissism. My siblings all resent her but play the game and side w her alienating me and always have.
I just hate holidays right now. It should be family time and it's bad enough that my family doesn't exist and that xAHs choices made it so we couldn't be a family but on top of that I have a lifetime of looking forward to sharing my kids on holidays and not getting to be w them each holiday.
Thanks for understanding and relating everyone who posted.
I'm sorry there's so many of us experiencing this.
It does help me feel less alone though.