Feeling sad
xAH and I got engaged on xmas... Holidays even when things were bad, used to be the one time of year that was pleasant as a family (sort of)...
My own family of origin in their true form has been utterly unsupportive of my kids and I during this fall and all the hell that xAH has put us through... I told my mother that I was not sure of my plans for Thanksgiving and she told me that it would be best I just stay away from her house because my siblings aren't sure what to say to me and they are uncomfortable dealing with "your drama" (aka divorcing an abuser, narcissist, alcoholic).
I wont bore you all with my family of origins crap but a HUGE part of why I stayed with xAH so long was bc he was supposed to be the "new" family I would have since my own family is such a trainwreck and serves only to kick me when I am down.
So, as holidays approach, I am just really sad.
I live in the same town as my mom and all my siblings come to her house for holidays.... My kids don't understand nor should they have to why things are strained with me and all of them (hell, I don't even understand it).
For years I didn't talk about how things were with xAH because I didn't want to be told I was complaining... then I did talk about it and was told I was too whiny and they are all uncomfortable...
xAH has been on a smear campaign of me throughout our community and friends have tired of being dragged into it and pulled away.
I am as alone as I have ever felt and it just sucks especially so at holiday time.
And xAH refused to negotiate an agreement about holidays into our temporary parenting plan-- everything was left vague-- so I don't even know what my plans are for Thanksgiving... I have the girls everyday but Sunday so I guess I will just plan to have them at my house but I know damn well he will decide at the 11th hour to ask for time with them and my own lawyer has advised me to be the bigger person and be agreeable and show that I want him involved with them so I just know that it will be a day of wondering what to expect....
Sigh... The happiest time of the year-- yeah right.