Why do I still do it??
So it has been more than 6 months since I left. Things are a little rough.I thought that I was over him. But here I go again. I havent had much contact with him. Just about the kids ect. (still fighting custody) But I have just in the past 2 weeks found myself stalking him.
I know he is in bad shape. Running all night. He promised the kids that he would be here to pick them up from school. I knew good and well he wouldn't make it. Of course he didn't show! But have no fear! He will be here first thing this am. Of course he hasn't left. and it is a four hour drive.... The girls will wake this morning to just another let down and lie. And they get mad at me??!!
Why do I care? I find myself mourning the loss of the man I once knew. The man that raised my older kids like his own. And would never let down his own. Now I am here alone. I am so alone. But that is nothing new. I was alone before I left. I can't believe that I have relapsed like this. Even though I know that He is "gone" And I don't ever EVER want to go back to that place! I still find myself heartbroken.... Constantly thinking of the "whores" (sorry there are no other words) and tweakers he hangs with... Constantly thinking of him.... Why can't I get over this? The pain is excruciating!
I find myself wanting to go confront him.... Fantasizing about confronting him.... But then i know it will do know good. You can't reason with crazy. My therapist told me that I, in my right mind, will never understand or be able to reason with with someone who is NOT in there right mind. I get it but, lately I still want to go beat down his door with a baseball bat. My sister told me tuesday "don't do it! You know the people that he hangs with and it's not safe" Some how I still find myself not caring... I want to confront him sssooo bad.....
I can't take it... I feel like I have come so far... I have... But I feel like I am losing it.... I feel lost...
Please help....