My ex showed up last night...
So my ex showed up last night around 11:30 and started beating on my bedroom window. When I didn't respond he came to the front door and started knocking, and when I didn't answer, he found my hidden key (guess I didn't pick the best hiding spot) and walked right in! I was half asleep and he came in my bedroom, had pink roses, a bone for the dog, other gifts. I FREAKED out. He was sobbing, begging for yet another chance, saying he needs me in order to get sober.
Since dumping his drunk hind end this last time I've finally grown a brain and am not listening to his malarkey. I told him we do not work as a couple, that he had no business in my home and that I don't want to be with someone who needs me, I want to be with someone who wants me, and could survive on their own if I wasn't in the picture. I know, I know, that's a bunch of psychobabble to his tequila-pickled brain, but I had to say it.
Anyway, he kept crying, begging to come back, telling me he wants me, the house, the dog, a nice life. I asked him if he was in AA...that would be a negative! "I'm too busy, you know I work constantly in order to survive." Whatever, this guy is so manipulative, I see that now.
I told him get in recovery with AA, be sober with a sponsor for a year, then he could contact me if I was still single. He then said that either I took him as he is now, or he would be gone forever! As if he has ANY leverage in this situation. I told him to hit the bricks! This guy is really out of his gourd.
It went back and forth like this for awhile, I started screaming at him and told him he would take me and anyone else that loved him straight to Hell if they stuck around, and that he has broken promise, after promise, after promise. More tears, attempts to hug me, and finally, as I was kicking him out of the house, he grabbed me and tried to kiss me - I threw him out the door!! Pushed him real hard! I was surprised at my own strength.
So, my plan is this - give the key to a neighbor I trust, so my "hidden" key is off the property, get the landlord to fix the deadbolt on the door, and call the cops if he shows up again. I really hate to do that, because it would likely mean deportation. However, at this point, I have to look out for myself.
And yet, after everything he's done to me, a part of me still loves him. I think, like so many people, I love the part of him that peaks out when he's (rarely) sober, the part of him that's really just his potential, and not who he actually is...makes me extremely depressed to think about.
As for me, my life has never been lower. I'd say I'm at rock bottom in my own right. My weight is out of control, so I have been attending OA phone meetings and tomorrow morning I am going to an in-person meeting...I'm not speaking to any of my family, everything just sucks and I am so very sad.
However, I also realize that I still have my beloved dog and a job I adore, a roof over my head, a car that works, bills paid, no one else to worry about other than me and my hound...God is watching over me. OA is making more sense than my 23 years of dieting ever has...one day at a time, right?