Jaynie, thank you so so much. Unfortunately the damage has been done, as we foresaw all those years ago. I can't remember the number of times we tried to tell mum that SD would suffer. Her response was always 'keep out of my business, she will be fine'. We saw the signs from when she was around 6, as at that time she was the main carer for her mum and her 2 year old half-brother. We would (if mum allowed it) see her on weekends, and the things she came out with were toe-curlingly awful. We would contact Social Services, they would visit mum (never unannounced, they always told her they would visit and when), and SD would cover up for her mum, which of course is completely normal for a child in that situation. My mother in law would also back SD's mum, and saw acts of cruelty towards her own granddaughter with her own eyes. She would report them to us, we would tell her she had to contact Social Services but she never would, and always said 'she loves her mother, she's best off staying with her'. It drove us crazy, and made us both ill. All we wanted, and all we still want is what's best for this girl.
So, 2.5 years ago, a completely screwed up 12 year old came to us and never left. She has had counselling, extensively, in school and also a specialist counsellor. Sadly there is no Alateen in our area, otherwise she would attend. We listen, we love, we hug and we cry. We try to understand the self-harm. When her mother was told her daughter is self-harming, her response was 'oh I used to do that, so I know how to make her stop'. Really? She still didn't get that it was down to her!!!! SD herself sent her mother a 'rant' text a few weeks ago, telling her she despises her, hates the drinking and called her an 'ex heroin junkie alcoholic *****'. She had to send the text to mum's friend's phone because mum won't give her, or us, her number, and we didn't think he would show it to her because he's her enabler and he protects her from anything 'nasty' (truth is he's in love with her). However, it would appear that he did, because my mother in law visited SD's mum in Hospital last night, then phoned SD to tell her her mother has promised she will get clean and that the text 'helped' her. As I said before, my mother in law is easily manipulated by this woman, and fortunately even SD sees that now, but she will make it hard come January (if mum stays in there that long) for SD to refuse to see her mother, and will make it hard for us to enforce it.
It's interesting to hear that you still suffer the effects of growing up with an alcoholic mother, even after she recovered. I hadn't actually considered that, well I had kind of, because SD always says that she will never forgive her mother for taking away her childhood, but we were more concerned about the effect on SD if her mother relapsed, as she too would be smelling her breath etc. I've seen this happen, and one case where I work involved an alcoholic mother whose child had been removed from her to live with the father. She went to the very same rehab centre, dried out, went to Court for more contact and because she'd dried out they allowed contact at her home for an hour a week. The child went to the mothers, she went upstairs and was gone a while, the child went to see where she was and found her knelt down beside her bed downing a bottle of wine. The child called the father, who came and collected the child immediately, took the child home and the child tried to commit suicide by hanging and then spent six months in a Paediatric Mental Hospital, at the age of 13!!! This may be an extreme, I don't know, but we just aren't prepared to take any chances, and from what you've said, you're still troubled by your childhood experiences.
As we all know, rehab is only the start of recovery, and some would say the easiest part of it. But, does it ever really end for the children?