Hi, pals.
Sorry, haven't posted much these days.
Been busy, and very tired. I finally got to writing and that's good, but I am fighting resistance every day, and there's huge bloody war between me and inner critic every day, and it is not going any better - every day I start from scratch, not having a bit more confidence compared to previous day. That's exhausting.
And work with therapist takes a lot of my energy. I have to "re-live" the most hurtful moments of the past, and I am petrified at the mere thought that I have to revive and remember in full detail the most awful moment of my childhood in order to finally end with them.
I am so tired.
I started to feel anxious again and made a mistake neglecting meditation. I've come unbalanced again.
And I slipped.
It was strange. I was absolutely deadly sure that I got it this time.
And I did. I really did. And so I can't understand what went wrong/
How did I stumble?
Not with sweets - at least not with them. I binged.
Remember, some time ago I was bragging that I am not going to binge on dates? Right. That's exactly what I did. Twice.
On Saturday - pigged out on dates, wholegrain bread and mascarpone cheese.
And today - on dates and raisins.
I wonder - should I rule out them as well, at least for some time.
But that's not the point. I can't rule out all the food - there will be nuts, frozen cherries, grapes, etc., etc., etc.
I feel like I am afraid of a new (or rather authentic) person I am growing into (sorry, not me, the beast, of course)... And after some successful period I look back and try on my old pattern of life, and start gathering my old habits that fit that old pattern. As if I am looking for some perverted stability...
Though, with every slip like this I can see how far I've gone, and how much I've improved, and I tend to forget about that... But...
I should add more time to my sleep - 4-5 hours obviously not enough...
And I am tired... I know - one day at a time, but it still scares me how I am going to sort out all these issues - all the issues with my brother, financial debts, uncertainty in life, and still vague idea what to do with my life.
You know, in August my best friends was diagnosed with brain tumors. They are not malignant but she still needs a surgery because the big tumor poses danger for her. She is planning the surgery for March, it will involve craniotomy . She is talking about this not bursting into hysterics, not playing drama. She is still keeping her chin up, enjoys life and almost dragged me out to the theater last Friday.
She has a great supportive family. And, as awful as it sounds, I am . kind of jealous of her (not in a bad way, don't take me wrong). I feel like her tumors will be removed, and she will be fine again. And my "memory tumors" will be with me forever.
Sounds crazy. I know.
Well, dark post today.
I am just tired that I can't stop fighting even for a moment - hostile forces immediately take advantage of me. And this constant war with myself is exhausting and suck life out of me.
That was my rant.
How's everyone doing?
Hugs to you, pals.
See you)