ABBKY---my heart goes out to you, because I have lived much of what you appear to be going through. Though my mother was never a drinker, she was a very domineering woman during my youth---and it was a hellish nightmare living in her home. I used to take long walks as a very young child just to get away from her. I used to ask God why all this was happening to me---and I think, even as a little girl---that He began to give me strength inside. Nothing was ever good enough for my mother, and every day I lived in fear of what she would do next. Every one in the home feared her---but, for some yet unknown reason---she seemed to dislike me the worst, It has hurt all of my lifetime that I didn't have the kind of Mom that all kids want---and I always tried to gain her approval. Nothing worked---and it would throw me into a deeper sadness, because I felt that there was something wrong with me. As an adult, I still feel the pain of her rejection----but there is nothing I can really do now, because she is suffering from Alzheimers Disease. It truly saddens me that we could never have a good relationship---and I know now that it will never happen now due to her deteriorating condition. I'm not sure how old you are---but please don't let your whole life go by trying to figure out the "whys" of things. Even if there WAS an answer, it can't take away the fact that things happen. Just begin to love yourself---love yourself enough to take care of you!! Come back to the board often---and let us work through these things together. God bless!!!