Just because someone is an alcoholic, does not mean he or she is not a wonderful, loved person. Alcoholism is a disease.
No doubt, your mother was changed by the alcohol. but you remember her as she was without the poison making her someone she would not want you to remember her as.
you cannot change what happened, but you can forgive, yourself and her, because she was sick. and you could not heal her. but you did love her, and she knew that.
take care of yourself, as she would want you to. You have beautiful children who need you, and will be a great comfort to you. good you are getting doctors care, you have been through a lot.
thoughts and prayers for you tonight. You will make it through this, as hard and sad as it is, I am sure you are a good person, as she raised you to be.
hugs
chicory