Originally Posted by
capersnlox 
I can't stop crying. It feels like a big part of me is gone. It's unimaginable. I'm sleeping with one of my son's lovey blankets. Can you fathom that? I'm a grown woman, crying out for my mommy. My husband is going back to work today and I don't know how to be without him. I'm terrified of holding this by myself. I'm terrified of being alone. We hired a nanny to come for the day today and tomorrow. I need her more than I need her for my boys. I don't know how to exist moment to moment with the pain. It feels like a sword splitting me in two, a rock smashing through my brain. I feel like a little girl again, a baby crying for mom to come and help. I know I'm a grown woman, it doesn't feel that way. I don't want my husband to leave and for me to be alone here. I need my mommy back.
Again, if post partem is in play you need to see your doctor. This can be as much as a year from birth. But in any case, the best path to walk is forgiving yourself. You sound like you are really beating yourself up for falling short and not taking care of you Mom. She really didn't want any help but you can't see that right now. She has been doing this a long time, and had her patterns so ingrained she wouldn't accept help. You know that. But you keep telling yourself you didn't do enough.
My goodness, you have two children a C section and a special needs child. You have your hands full. Please be kinder to yourself and seek some help from a pastor, doctor or counselor immediately. Don't push off help. You are overwhelmed. We are here for you as you explore your admission into our corner of the world. Please start reading our stickies above and learn about the effects of having an alcoholic parent, even into our adulthood.