RECF

So... I haven't logged on in a while, but I recently made a bunch of changes in my life (yay) and my life has gotten a little out of balance AND I'm home with the flu, so there you go...
Anyway, I recently had to come to the conclusion (rather painfully) that I am a classic case of Co-dependency... like oh so dysfunctionally so!
I mean I got it all, from excessively asking people their advice, to having near panic attacks when making decisions, avoiding close relationships and getting clingy when I have them... Oh yeah, it's all staring me in the face!
So... that brings me to my mom. Growing up, I had always assumed it was my Dad who ****** up my response system. His temper, his alcoholism, his effort to control my and my mother's every move. He was the monster in the den.
However, over the years, I've had a nice long look at my mother and her behaviors and look at them now as a kind of dyad. Looking at her now, I can see the ways she enabled my father's behaviors so she could push off her fear of confrontation and probably her fear of making a decision on her own.
And then today.
I was talking with her and she was telling me how she often gets so anxious when she is trying to get things done that she rushes, and then she often makes mistakes and is therefore clumsy - causing bruises, breaking things, etc. This is a classic symptom and something that happens to me, too. I think it goes to not trusting yourself, or being so certain you;re gonna screw something up that you rush through it. It's like I can't bear the thought of what *might* happen, so I don't concentrate, thereby causing what I was afraid of to happen. I just can't stand the stress of concentrating on doing a good job. And this is my mother who I have learned from.
Rather than: "Be slow. Be confident. Do a good job, no matter how long it takes."
I got: "Quick! Before you can screw it up!"
Now I have to read past my string of abusive relationships and dead-end career choices and understand how I can build the part of me NOT informed by the way my father AND my mother taught me how to deal with (or better yet NOT deal with) stress and confrontation.