Thank you Venecia and Hayley....I like the "together" comment. Is that not how we survive? Methinks so. I missed my home group this morning simply because sleep won the early morning battle. Oh my Lord, the guilt. More alcoholic guilt. I shall be there tomorrow AM with bells on.
Meantime, thought I'd just share a piece of my online journal from last night - pretty much the only thing that keeps me sane these days......
"You know, I'm sitting with the last ciggie of the night considering today's meeting and the hurt I heard from a particular woman this morning, obviously not doing well, obviously carrying baggage from pasts that were not elaborated on but still stood on their own. Resentment. It's the simple bane of all alcoholics. We resent all and sundry. All of our problems stemmed from *other* people....we never look inward whilst boozing to see the problems are self-driven. It's like we *want* to hurt because it's the only way to connect with persons we love, or pasts, or regrets. Sick, no? It's like we'd almost rather beat our heads bloody on a wall rather than say "I'm walking away from this, sure, I'm sorry, but this really hurts to stay in this place, in front of this bloody wall". This seems obvious to people who aren't addicted, but for those of us stuck in the whirlwind, it's like epiphany when you finally *get* it. I've heard such from from several places or persons but I remember watching a Wayne Dyer PBS lecture...he said, simply "You know, it's like walking around with these huge bags, big monstrous duffle bags full of garbage, broken glass, broken things. They clank and clatter around while you drag them through the day and they make you really tired, dragging them in and out of the car, to your office at work, everywhere you go. They are, simply, resentment, guilt, fear, heartbreak.... What if you were to let those go? What if you were to drop them on the sidewalk this moment? You might feel as though you're missing something, those big heavy bags you've become so used to. Ones where you can dig into pasts and feel the same familiar feelings you always felt. Sure, they hurt, but they are, indeed, familiar, sickly comforting somehow...." How about taking a chance and dropping them? I've started to do this during my recovery but I see persons unwilling to let the garbage go, and I'm not very good at it either. It's so sad to see (me) and you want to shake the person (myself in the mirror) and say "listen, look at all of this crap. You can ditch it, forgive, walk away. Not necessarily *forget*, but, rather, allow yourself to be happy and not carrying so much ******* weight around. It's hard at first. You're ditching *familiarity*, that which supposedly sustained you all of these years (Mercutio). Once you start casting off, though, it gets easier, starts going faster, soon the lightness you feel is strange but "interesting" in the mind of an addict. "Hey, *this IS* weird but feels pretty good...I might be on to something here". Seriously, that addicted mind works so backwards. "This feels good, what the hell is going on here, there's no booze or drugs but it kind of feels...well, good". Simply my own little mini rant.......forgive me if I state the obvious. These bits come at random times and you (I) want to shout them out to the neighborhood "Hey! I got it, this makes sense!" Anyway..............