Mercutio

Hi everyone,

First time here and it seems like a great forum. I was directed here by another recovering individual and I'm happy I took the advice. I've been struggling off and on since March of this year and, having done major life altering changes over the past couple of months, have struggled even more. I've embraced a new AA community that seems as though it will be a great support group, but as all of us I'm sure can attest to, change for the alcoholic is something akin to learning Chinese in a couple of days. We (I) just don't digest it well. There's certainly been some new serenity with the new environs, but also some very, very difficult self assessment that has taken place. More or less being honest with myself, digging deeper into resentments, hurts, losses. I have finally been able to admit to myself that said loses were indeed the result of my drinking. The loss of a marriage, several really good jobs, friendships, relationships, a promising music career.......all of these. It's daunting, frightening, full of more of those hurts and regrets ("Jesus, had I just recognized sooner, that loss would have never happened - look where I *could be*). That hurts. And, it immediately makes me think of the bourbon on those long nights and how I could simply give myself away to it again for the moment and gain the "f-this" attitude I wore on my sleeve for so long. Always f-this. There's nothing wrong with me, it's everyone else. If everyone else could quit screwing up my life, I'd be fine with a cocktail or two. Ultimately....yeah, wrong. Anyhoo, glad to have found you all and look forward to contributing, listening, asking, just being here with my comrades in this struggle. Best to everyone on a lovely Saturday! Merc.