Originally Posted by EveningRose

I can't even bring myself to use the word 'father.' We all know what AF means.

I'm just rolling my eyes...been there, done that, had that conversation, know his answer to anything I can possibly say.

And I also feel sick to my stomach because it just reinforces that this is the family narrative, I'm the rotten apple yet they all try so hard to love me, anyway.

It was a two page typewritten letter asking over and over why I'm doing all these awful things, outlining all my sins and crimes, against them, my children, my siblings, while telling me all the wonderful things he and the codie 'mother' have done for me all my life, how they're now taking care of my children even, yet this is how I repay them. Toss in more of my sins. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Why? he asks again. We want to solve this, but we don't know what's wrong.

Last time we had this conversation by phone. I told him just some of the ugly, abusive things he's said and done. Hateful, destructive, hurtful words all my life. Physical abuse. He's been to jail for assaulting codie 'mother.' Most recently, he called drunk threatening to come to my work and make a scene if I didn't drop my business call then and there and talk to him, and left a dozen hateful voicemails calling me vulgar names when I didn't talk to him. I was scared to death, as I work in an isolated room one on one with small children.

His response was: "None of it ever happened. So why are you mad?"

I could send him a letter back reiterating these things. Reiterating my very clear memory of a very inappropriate place he took me as a very young child. Guess he thought I wouldn't remember. And I suspect that that incident is why I got labeled a liar, when I told codie 'mother' what happened. I suspect it's that event and/or others that have caused me a lifetime of being branded a liar when I am not. Which has impacted my relationships with everyone in my extended family, I'm starting to suspect.

So...if I say these things again, it only gets me branded more of a liar. Again. Still.

If I say nothing, it's more evidence to them that I'm the trouble maker who won't even answer his heartfelt plea.

His facts aren't even right. He believes I kicked my daughter out of my house. I didn't. And ironic he should have an issue with that, since I finally left home at 18 in the face of his repeated threats to kick me out. But telling him I did no such thing is not going to have any impact whatsoever. It's now in the family narrative, another bad thing I did, and there it shall stay, regardless of the truth of the matter.

I read his letter and understood even more deeply that this is the family narrative, this is what they tell each other and anyone else who listens. I've had people at my church come and tell me some of the garbage they're saying about me. Because they believe it down to their bones.

I've long since come to see that it never ends with an alcoholic family.

The question is once again: how do I deal with it?

I've given the letter to a very close friend. He's of the mind I should answer it in black and white, where AF can have the words to read and re-read, this time.

I don't know.