Every time I hear that word (perfection) it reminds me of the actor trying to be the director just before step 3 in the book. Me.......trying to control everything. The funny thing is that while I'd tell you I can't GET to perfection, if you watched my actions or could hear my thoughts, THEY would indicate that on each thing that comes up I CAN be perfect. Get it? I knew better than to think I could be perfect but at each challenge, I'd expect perfection -- thereby back-dooring myself into thinking I can be perfect without admitting it in the more general sense. My ego's pretty sneaky....and I bet a lot it's similar for a lot of ppl.
First, I thought it was all fear based. Fear IS involved but so was something else and that was a massively over-inflated self image. See, on one hand I really thought I could do just about anything, but when I'd fall short I'd hate myself. That hatred, I thought, stemmed from a poor self-image.......low self esteem. Really it was coming as the result of failing at things I expected the perfect-me to do perfectly. In other words, my low self esteem was the result of to MUCH self esteem and the inevitable failures would hit that too-high-esteem and try to kill it.....which felt awful.....which felt like I was dying.....because I had become that over-inflated too-high self esteem. No longer a human being but a human-doing. My identity was alllllllllll tied up in what I did.......and dammit, it better be perfect.
If I just say "fear" - then I've been known to think, "I'm the VICTIM of fear......" And when I'm the victim, it's not really my fault, I'm powerless, God needs to fix me, and/or all of you need to forgive me as I continue to act out because of this horrible fear I can't control." That's kinda neat and clean and leaves me out of doing much other than praying for the "fear" to be removed. I also find it very hard to, just, "let go" of fears. It's like hearing, let go of your arm......or stop thinking.......or see in black-n-white. I don't know how to do it. Also remember, MY fear was coming out of fear that the ME was dying.....because my ME was identified solely in what I DID/DO.
When I looked at perfection as something I created.....out of this crazy-high self esteem where I think I'm capable of doing every individual thing perfectly (sooner or later), then I'm faced with it not being a fear I have to find a way to "let go of" but an actual practice.......a habit.......that I simply have to watch for (step 10) and stop doing. When I was watching, I'd catch myself saying "yes" to just about everything anyone would ask me. Hell, I'd be thinking YES before they even finished asking me.....before I even knew what it was they wanted me to do. And of course I'd THINK yes......I can do everything, remember? I may not be perfect but I can do everything.....and do it all perfectly.... LMAO
Watching for my creating my own perfectionism helped. I did it allllll the time. Strangely, just stopping wasn't so easy. That took a lot of effort AND a lot of prayer/grace. And no, I haven't stopped doing it perfectly. lol. I still watch for it and sometimes miss it as it's not allllllllllllll day long like it used to be. That, however, is progress. Progress, I used to hate that word. Now, it's pretty spiritual for me to use it and believe in it.