Hi everyone, :hello2
Welcome MbWomen,
You know I'm a little upset, I posted a reply earlier and my PC at wk froze on me I lost my original reply. I know for me, when I first came around 15yr ago. I was caught up in chasing meeting going to the dances. I was able to do my first step. I was very judgemental, I had low self esteem.I had a sponsor I was in a relationship with a Man may God bless his soul. This man couldn't stop using. I tried everything, threateing him ETC he would try and give up. I loved him with all my heart.
My friend back then, died as a result of his addiction he became HIV possitive.
My HP was watching over me even when I didn't believe. In the begining I didn't have protective sex with him but eventually I did. What happened I'm grateful this happened to me, I had people I could talk to back then, he and I just had sex, the next day I woke up I felt like I had used. Now mind you this was 15yr ago. I had six month clean. I couldn't understand why I felt so sluggish when I was a energetic person.
I went to this women who had some clean time and told her what was happening to me. She explained to me whatever he puts in his body goes into your body, when you have sex with him. She told me if he's getting high he's putting drugs and chemicals in your body. Immediately I started using protection. I didn't like feeling like I used when in fact I didn't. This women helped me to save my life.
Nutz your story and my story are so simular, My husband I made him my High Power. I believe in most of my relationship, I gave my power away, all for the sake of love. All because I wanted to be loved. I had no clue on how to love myself. So really I was just clean not doing any work. I was a dressed up garbage can. I didn't share much in meetings. I did more listening then anything.
They call that stealing from the program. I thank God for this site and the people here. I have a place I can share and talk about me. I'm kinda shy when someone is looking at me, I get nervous standing before a group of people talking about me. Here I can dump and I feel ok thank you so much.
MbWomen for me, when I started my step work, this go around, it was suggested I start from the first time I took my first or drink or drug. This was when I was a child sneaking a drink off the table, when my mother and father had company. I had to been 4 yr old maybe younger. I sure do remember, the drink almost killed me, it took my breath away
It was suggested to me you start from the begining.
Good luck to us all we live a clean and sober life 