Letter to my AH
I want to begin by stating what should be obvious, I love you. If I did not love you I wouldn’t bother with this letter. Yes, it’s a letter rather than in person because I have a very difficult time getting all of this out without blubbering.
I know you feel it, but I’m going to say what the 100 pound gorilla is in our home between you and me and the children. It’s alcohol.
I don’t know how long you have been drinking heavily this time, but it doesn’t matter. It is deafeningly clear that you are to the rest of us. Even your children have come to me asking if you are drinking again. I’ve had a talk with them and let them know that their suspicions are correct. I have instructed them not to ride in a car with you until you admit your problem and admit you cannot correct it on your own. You have tried to do this on your own and it is very clear to us, your family, that you cannot do it on your own. I’m not talking about you going to buddy doctors that will believe whatever you say, I’m talking about you seeking help from others who have been in your shoes. You can’t ******** a bullshitter.
I know you think you hide your alcohol well and that it doesn’t affect anyone but you are very wrong. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would marry only to eventually raise our children in an alcoholic home, never. With my upbringing and past, my goal was to avoid anything that would tear a family apart as I had witnessed in my birth family. I have learned that there is no such thing as a perfect family and I’m ok that we are not perfect, I'm not seeking perfection. What I’m not ok with is putting our children’s very lives at risk in a vehicle with a drunk driver. If you want to drink and drive, get arrested again on a DUI, kill yourself or someone else, you will do it without our children. You will spare our children that much. I’m not ok that you choose to do this. I am not ok that even without our children in the car you CHOOSE to do this. You have put alcohol above our relationship, above your children, above your job, and worst of all above your God.
You must begin to heal whatever it is that needs healing. You must begin that hard road, if not for us, for yourself. Don’t let alcohol be what our children remember; a dad who loops his conversations without realizing it; a dad who slurs his speech without realizing it; a dad who scares his children when driving them to practice; a dad who cant remember plays in practice because he is under the influence; the list goes on. You thought we didn’t know.
This letter may or may not help you to seek the help you need. If alcohol is what you choose then I will make plans for our family in the event that you are not around. I will still be here, the kids will still be here, but things will change; they’ve already changed.
I love you with everything in me. I am praying for you to seek peace, not in alcohol, but in the Prince of Peace.
*********************************
I have not sent this to him yet. I don't know if it is wise to do that or not. I cried as I wrote it and keep looking in the driveway to make sure he hasn't come home because he forgot something. Maybe I'll save it for later use. I don't know. Your thoughts are appreciated.