Ugh, I've been having a rough time the past couple of days. I hate, hate depression. The feelings of apathy, worthlessness and inadequacy are swirling through my brain. At least I don't turn to alcohol to quell them anymore. It doesn't work at this point anyway.
My bf is doing well and I am glad. He found a space for his art studio and is hoping to have a show this winter. He seems much happier and is working very hard on his recovery. I am truly happy for him. However, I am starting to have thoughts like, "He is so talented, when he is successful at his art and more mentally healthy he will drop me."
I am also thinking things like, "for my age I should be making more money, I'm a loser, I've squandered my talent and intelligence, etc......" I know these things aren't true. It's the bipolar/depression talking, and even if my BF decided to leave me I have no control over that. I feel so unmotivated and tired. I'm trying really hard to force myself not to sit and stare blankly at the wall or take to my bed. I absolutely hate my job right now. I have a freelance writing job I'm working on, and would love to make it my full-time career. I don't feel like putting the work in right now. It's pathetic.
Sorry to go on and on with this poor me sh*t. I need to vent and I appreciate the support I get here so much. I am currently in therapy, going to al anon, reading books on recovery, blah blah blah. I feel like no matter how hard I try I'll always be effed up. I could read self-help books and meditate till the cows come home but nothing will ever change the way my brain functions. I know feelings are not facts, and this will pass. I'm just having a bad couple of days.
Thanks so much for reading. I know I'm being overly negative and probably dramatic. Not really looking for advice, I needed to get it out.
