I get it. On the 21st if this month it will be one year since my best friend drank herself to death. Vodka. It was a terrible way to die.
She had a chance - her first hospital stay was successful and she was able to stay sober for 6 months and really turn her organ failure around. The body has an amazing capacity to heal itself! But she relapsed, and that one killed her.
I asked her if she wanted to die - just straight out asked the question. She said "sometimes". I believe that, and probably think its downplaying things a bit.
Looking back, I often play the "what if" game in my head. What if I could have gotten her to the hospital earlier? What if I had agreed to go to AA meetings with her because she was so intimidated doing it alone? Truth is - it was always her choice. Even at the end, it was her choice.
Prayers, Djayer. For both of you.
~T