Hi Evanna, 51anna, Time2Surrender, Nutz, Thank you all for your support. I need it.
Evanna You brought up something, I never thought about co-dependency. I haven't read any literature on co-dependency. Can you please direct me to some literature? Thank you so much again.
It feels good to know there are people who can relate. Nutz I can really relate to loving and giving to much. I can relate to what you are feeling yes indeed. I have those same feelings. Me I disconnected myself from my home group. All those emotions you spoke about seems to haunt me. I believe it really has to do with being abandon. I'm so clingy, I have a big problem of letting go. When someone leaves me, I do a number on myself, guilt, not good enough, all those emotions surface.
I begin to punish myself by not taking care of me. I'm my worst critic. I allow myself to be used, all because I feel I deserve to be hurt, that is so sad. It feels good to know, I've come to the right place. I allowed this person, I was in a relationship with, to abuse me verbally. I'm detaching as we speak. I love him and miss him. I know nothing good will come out of this. It's not about changing him it's about changing me, confronting my demons.With the help of you all, I believe I'm well on my way. My sponsor will be proud, I've found a forum that deals with recovery.
I found the website I lost that has the BIG BOOK and stepwork. I started on step one. Once again thank you so much. You know , I punish myself so much my house looks like a shooting gallery. Now mind you, I never allowed one single person in my home, never used my home as a means to get high. When I relasped I was at a friend home. This friend, I'm no longer in there company. I felt my best interest wasn't at heart. Once again I want to thank all of you for your support.
When I relasped I didn't beat myself up about my clean time I lost. All I thought about was getting to a meeting with the quickness
The first meeting I attend was a Anniversary. The women who was celebrating, was celebrating 1 yr sobriety after relaspe from 15yrs we were friends. I hadn't seen this women I knew for about 4 yrs. The last time I saw her we both were hanging out. I had no idea she was in pain she had no idea I was in pain. We both was wearing a mask.
I picked up my one day key chain at her Anniversary. My sponsor was there. I hadn't seen or talked to my sponsor in yrs also. When I saw it was my friend celebrating and my sponsor sitting there, I knew I was right were I was suppose to be.When I picked up my one day key chain they both cried. I relasped on alcohol on my birthday trying to fit in with my ex boyfriend mother and sister who had taken me out for my birthday. So now I will have 90 days clean January 31 Thanks for letting me share.