Hi Southern, thank you for sharing your experiences here. I can relate as I am on Day 4 of sobriety and the last several days I can only describe as HELL.
A week ago from Saturday I decided to have a few mimosas with some friends in Napa after a night of being sober and watching my friends drink. I had been sober a few weeks and felt very strong. In the morning, my disease teases me that 'it's fine - you can have a few glasses of bubbles!' Those two glasses turned into me going into the fridge and swigging from the bottle while my friends were in the other room. I had a cup of coffee and pretended my best to be sober. On the way to my second job (at a tasting room might I add) I stopped at a winery where I know some people and proceeded to drink. I don't have the 'turn off' switch of course so then I drove to my job vaguely remembering the trip. I'm very ashamed of myself. I got to my place of work and at this point was completely hammered. I barely remember anything except one of my bosses taking me out of there and bringing me to his apt upstairs. He asked what was going on with me, I cried and cried..he fired me and I have never been fired ever before (now I realize it was the best thing for me).
I decided to go to a bar, get more alcohol, left with a guy I was dancing with so he could help me find a cab. He walked me across the highway and down a ways until I finally told him I needed to be on my own, who knows where he was taking me?!?!. Walked alone to a car dealership and tried to find cars unlocked so I could sleep inside one but ended up sleeping on the ground outside an apartment building wall. Not sure how long I slept but woke up terrified, found a 7-11, called a cab, passed out in bed, woke up and wanted to DIE!
Phone was dead, my computer was missing from my bag (it was an overnight type bag) no phone charger so I walked down to my local 7-11 (there's a theme here no?) asked them to call me a cab and then decided to buy a beer to ease the pain as I waited on a curb outside 7-11 on Sunday morning.....ahhh, how attractive!
Finally got my car but now after making an ass of myself, getting fired from my second job, losing my $1,300 computer and basically hating myself, I of course, drank MORE!
For 5 days straight. Wine, beer, more wine, hardly any food...lots of crying phone calls to friends who are frankly sick of it by now. By Thursday I wanted/needed to stop, so I finally did, but my body wouldnt let me sleep a wink. Friday morning I was hallucinating, couldnt even walk to the bathroom without falling or hitting the walls since I was violently shaking. I felt like someone was taking my right leg and yanking it up and down wildly when I would lay down (none of these things have ever ever happened to me before!!). The anxiety was unbearable. I had to drink a beer just to calm down slightly. I tried zzzquil, and it did nothing. Next day with no sleep, my tounge was violently thrashing in my mouth so I couldnt even talk normal, nor could I think. My arms and legs reminded me of someone who has parkinsons disease. This was just the beginning. I felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest. When I did sleep, I had horrible nightmares and sweats that completely drenched the bed, I heard voices and saw double a few times. I was certain I would not make it out alive. I thought to myself "you've really done it now - and for what?? Was this worth losing your life at age 40 for this poison??
I promised if I made it out alive I would never drink again. My plan is exactly that. I'm NOT going out like that, no way, no how. I'm fighting for my life, we are ALL here fighting for our lives!!!
Southern, you keep going, you'll be on the other side of hell real soon I hope. I'm praying for you and all the others suffering such a wretched experience out there.
Thanks for letting me share here tonight.
Shay