JustAYak

I talk about it, I talk around it, I do everything but say the actual word for what it is that happened to me at the hand of my parents (namely my dad). I hate saying it. Words are powerful, I don't like the feeling cause hearing it makes it so real...People say talking about it makes it lose it's power, but the feelings that come forth from talking about it make it actually seem a lot more powerful because I don't know how to deal with the feelings that come up...heck, I don't even know how to identify what the feelings actually are! I feel like we, the children, get trapped with little opportunity for escape. My parents are either literally dead or might as well be as I don't talk to my mom anymore, yet I am still stuck and being controlled by them indirectly because of these feelings...

I often feel less than, not important, down right dumb, etc. etc. The self-loathing and insults don't break often because I have grown so used to it that I can't seem to function without that inner controversy. It's like I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I've been thrown to the wolves, out here in the world where normal IS possible. I go through the day wondering "Why can't I be like that person?" They have it together, they're happy, they're "normal." Don't get me wrong, I know everybody has their own challenges, but I feel like I am more "broken" then so many others. I have more work ahead of me than I can even comprehend. Why don't other people have that? Why is my normal not everybody elses'? It's frustrating to struggle, struggle, and struggle some more and see other people floating through life...I want that. This hurts. I want to be done with this stage in my life.

So...here it is. What I need to admit. I was abused. The ugly word. I was told I am not worthy. I was hit and kicked and bloodied. I was bruised and punished. I was mistreated and most of all...scared. I was really scared. I still am. But this is where I need to make a turning point, there's not much to be afraid of anymore. Just feelings. Lots of them... overwhelming amounts. I think my fear of people is diminishing little by little and fear of feelings gets bigger and bigger as I get closer and closer to the truth. My family dysfunction has been buried so deep inside myself that every time something comes up I feel worse and worse. I'm afraid of the unknown and what it will do to me. Doesn't anybody ever feel like that? What if there are worse things than what I already remember? I don't think I could deal with that. But at this point it's already happened, there is nothing I can do to stop it.

So, I guess to wrap-up my aimless ramblings, fear is the feeling that's torturing me right now. How do you alleviate the fear?