Thread: Need Help
View Single Post
Old 01-18-2005, 11:22 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
nutz
doing the inside job
 
nutz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
Welcome to SR scorpio.

Are you my missing half or what?
Did we come from the same planet or at least have the same parents.lol
I can deffernently relate or your story is right up my alley.
I relaped after 11 years. I'll have 120 days tommorow.
I didn't think anybody could relate or understand me.
12 years of recovery and to have a break down like I did and relaped.
I was also abandant as child. An 8 years relationship is on the rocks
on is ending. For the past 3 years , I felt used and abused.
A f*#ken living hell.

"it's not that I don't care, It's that I care too much"
Maybe it's tide to being abandant somehow. I value people
and I belive love conquard all. Becuase it was love that heal
me and working the 12 steps or being in recovery help me
recoverd that part of me and re-inforce what I feel deep inside
of me anyways.

There's been a lot of growth....Good lord growning pain. I've gone
thur enough of them, Before I relaped, I kind of new what was happening.
But I made a mistake of running away from my pain. All roads leads
back to GOD or my HP. It's that resentment issue again between
IT and I. It was wierd....it reached out to me time after time after
time. It knows of my pain. The anger in my heart or relaping was
just another way of me being defiant.

The every samething I did as a child, after I got abadant. (age 6)
I remember playing in an orchard on someone's private property.
I was deep to my knees in mud. My aunty (HP) had been looking for
me all day. I told me to just get out of there. She wasn't going to
punish me. She told me to jsut come home to take a bath and she'll
make sometime for me to eat. She offered me toys. Tears rolled
down her eyes as she was pleading with me. Nothing she said or
offered could ever take away my pain. The only thing I wanted
was my mother and father. She sent for my teenage cousin to
retrieve me.
I kicked, fight, screamed, and cried as he carried me on his
shoulded all the way home.

I also had a charater triat. As a child when sleeping, I would
hang on tight to my mother. It took a little while for my aunty
to get use to it. I slept in the same bed with her and hung on
to her as tight as I could, fear on waking up in the morning
without her being there. I did the samethings as an adult
with my partners. This trait also carried over emotionally
and other aspect. I have a hard time letting go.
And of course the other trait I developed was somehow
I wasn't worth being loved or cared about. When going
thur a break up of a relationship all these feelings comes
right back.

My mother and I made peace about what happened when
I was a child. It was healing for me, but it didn't take away
the habits or trait I had developed. Working the steps helped
in this process. It was a lot of work. My 11 years was hard
earned. My character traits still hunts me to this day, being
clean and sober helps me thourgh this. I don't imagine I would
ever be rid of them, but I'm recovering to the best of my
ability in this matter.

I struggle with going back to meetings. The people here encouraged
me to do so. It took more courage did I had at that time.
I had to face that fear. It was the building block.
I even did that number of not admitting my relapes to
my home group. SR and the people also helped me though this.
I was encourage to face these fears.

I attend a lot of meetings, read, write, got a sponor. Help
new comers, give rides. I went right back to the basics
of the program. But I'm growing more than when I was a newcomer.
As long as I've been in recovery
I 've learned or know to embrace my pain. It'll pass......
But I try to reflect , take notes and learn from them.
A lot actaually do happen within me and outside of me.
A lot of growth take place. New idea, or concepts.
God send people into my life and I've met a lot of
wonder people and friend here and at home.

In a wierd sense of way. I'm a happier person and the relationship
between my HP is closer and deeper. I don't beat myself up
thats for sure.

I'm writhing this becuase it's also helping me heal.
You're not alone.
Congrats on the 90 days and your 15 years.
Still clean and sober today and still trying to work it somehow
We'll give people plenty to talk about.
As an old timer told me..."I must be doing something right".lol

Poeple with a couple of years of clean time talking crap.
about me , dosen't bother me a bit.....I had 2 years before too.
It 's the 5th year that really makes you crazy.lol

You know what to do.
God Bless.
nutz is offline