Thanks Ann... My experience is that the abuse in my relationship was difficult to recognize in the midst of drug addiction and mental illness. Verbal and emotional abuse has been a part of my life since I was a child and I learned some of those behaviors. Understanding that the symptoms I was experiencing was a normal reaction to chronic emotional abuse helped me to take the steps to distance myself from the abuse and abusers- not just my AXBF.
While the majority of professionals acknowledge typical PTSD, some do not acknowledge "complex PTSD" as a real thing caused by chronic emotional abuse which is really at the heart of all abuse. While I do not fit the classic picture of PTSD, I fit the classic picture of c-PTSD to the point where a certain tone of voice or comments from my AXBF would make me physically shake like a terrified rabbit about to be killed and eaten. To this day, the anxiety affects me on the daily, even with distance from the relationship.
I feel I have pretty healthy coping skills now but realize that it is going to take time to recover. I have developed some not so pretty habits as a result as well. The farther I get away from my AXBF- I honestly have no idea who or what he is- drug addict, narcissist, bipolar, sociopathic? Some combination? I don't know and frankly, not sure I want to know. But I know enough to know that I got hooked on the pain and suffering- that was my deal and not his. I took the bait time after time and always got hurt. Now I feel it is time to remove the hooks, be strong and move on.