Thank you to everyone that replied, you have helped me feel a little less crazy and understand a bit more why I might have reacted that way.
Originally Posted by
Tuffgirl 
It hasn't been that long since your relationship ended. I think its less paranoia and more conditioned response. Pay close attention to how this feels, and keep it handy in case you ever waver and think "maybe this time he has changed!".
And be proud of yourself for handling it as well as you did. It could have been worse (pull up bars can be weapons, ya know!)
Peace,
~T
Thank you, it never occurred to me that I could have handled it any worse! I haven't once since we broke up considered getting back together with him and I can't see that ever changing, but that feeling will sure help keep it that way!
Originally Posted by
jaynie04 You are not crazy at all. What you had what a reaction to a very real and recent threat. Trauma conditions us. Without realizing it a seemingly benign incident can trigger a whole range of emotions. You had a very normal reaction to a very real threat. PTSD can be brutal to deal with on our own. It becomes an issue in and of itself. To me it sounds like you are more concerned about your reaction than about being in danger right now.
I was sitting in pickup line without my phone when the bomb went off at the Boston marathon last year. I thought my brother was running and I know his finish tim.(he lives there and runs about 15 races a year, so I don't always know where he is running). I freaked. Completely lost it. I had to sit there for 25 minutes in line, 20 minutes from home, because i couldn't leave my daughter. My brother was ok. But I couldn't get over my overreaction to the event.
It wasn't until much later a therapist helped me realize that I was in the exact same situation when 9/11 happened. My husband works right there, I was trapped in a car with no phone and the announcer was screaming into the radio. It was like time stopped and everything went into slow motion.
I had no idea that that experience lodged in my brain. Hearing the radio announcer panicking over the Boston bombing brought an old experience front and center.
It doesn't always lessen the anxiety, but for me it helped to understand the magnitude of my reaction. My guess is that your reaction was as much if not more about the past as it was about the present. I hope that you have some counseling available to you, trauma can be difficult to deal with on your own. And I hope you take every precaution necessary to stay safe. Take care.
You are right I am concerned about the reaction rather than any threat and the reaction was about the past, since there was not really a present threat as far as I could tell. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, it was very very helpful.
Originally Posted by
lillamy Wavy, hugs.
PTSD.
I can get panic attacks from hearing AXHs name mentioned. The sound of his name can't hurt me. My lizard brain doesn't know that. It just wants to panic and run.
It's a day by day work to conquer the pain and fear. I have a quote from Barb Dwyer who used to post here as my go to. I say to myself: "Right now, I am safe. Right now, my children are safe. Right now, we have a roof I've our heads. Right now, we are warm and fed"
I moved to another state because it was exhausting to live in daily fear.
It's difficult enough living in fear without beating yourself up for it. Be good to yourself.
Thank you, I will try to remember to repeat something like that if this happens again (hopefully it won't!).
A couple of you have mentioned PTSD, is that what you think this might be? I don't know much about it really. I have been resisting going to the Dr's for a long time about my depression, PTSD sounds even scarier! I am having counselling and will talk to my counsellor about the incident during our session tomorrow. I've shared it here, to an AlAnon friend and to a RL friend, to try to get it out. The worst of the abuse happened long before we broke up, I didn't realise I was still so very badly affected by it.