Originally Posted by
pravchaw 
Just to build on kindeye's advise. I would add - avoid anger. If you lose your temper - you have lost the conversation. Its really a disease (a disease of choice a kind of brain disease). I don't think punishing the addict is the answer not is enabling them. Let them experience their own negative consequences. The whole idea is for them to seek treatment and recovery on their own - whatever that may be AA, NA, out-patient, in-patient, rehab etc.
I agree with you on your points about anger and not enabling. When my brother was a young teen, just starting out as an addict, our parents were separated. Dad was angry, mom enabled. The addict in my brother played them against one another and the addict was the winner.
Also even if they are made to go to rehab/treatment, if they do not want it themselves, it just won't work. The old adage "you can't help someone who won't help themselves" is so true with addiction. If love and good intentions and hope were enough to cure my brother of his addiction, my mom would have cured him a long time ago.
Cutting the ties has been the best thing my parents have done in his almost 20 year struggle. After his release from prison, he was not allowed to live with them. They did not put any money on his books in lockup this time, they did not give him money for phone calls. And when he got out, and we found out he was using again about a month later, they got an order or protection from the police. He is using- he can not come in their home. For nothing. With that protection order, they can call the police on him if he won't leave the house, or harasses them with phone calls all day. Sadly, fear of incarceration is a strong motivator for my brother. Stopping any & all enabling was and still is difficult for my parents. They love their son, they hate to see him suffering and hurting. But they now realize that without a desire for sobriety and without doing active work on his own to get and stay clean- any help/assistance they give him is not helping him get better, just helping him get high.
I think I should add- my addict brother is 34, and has been an addict more than half of his life. His addiction has escalated to this almost hopeless point over many many years. The only things that our parents could have done differently that would/could have made a difference was to stop enabling him much sooner, and finding help/ meetings for themselves sooner. The mental toll this has taken on our parents has taken years off of their lives, and they are also deserving of happiness in their own lives.
Be well
Heather