I made a choice today, a day before my 37th Birthday. Been a drunk for 20/21 years. It has caused no end of pain, misery and suffering for all those around me, myself included. I chose not to drink this morning, a choice I didn't make yesterday or the day before. Got thru till 5pm right now, hot n cold sweats, panic, anxiety, fear, dread. Terrified of life without drink, terrified of what might happen if I do drink again. Terrified of the phone calls and the insanity of it all. I am capable of anything it seems sometimes and it is truly frightening. Tried and tried many times, been an AA member for last 6 months. I won't go back to another meeting until I am well away from drink in my mind. I am totally consumed by endless thoughts of what alcohol has meant to my life, my children's lives, my parent's lives, everyone who has had to suffer my ceaseless selfishness. I won't go back until I am sure I will not let these people down again. I know wholeheartedly that I am powerless when it comes to alcohol, and it will kill me if I do not exercise what little sanity remains after the trauma of it all. I despise the way it controls my thought processes and creeps in when I am least ready for it. But I was ready this morning. Poured the rest of it down the sink where it belongs. Going to be one responsible, adult Birthday tomorrow and I will be enjoying it straight. Don't give up and don't ever forget it is the only illness or disease which will fool you into thinking you haven't got it. If you've come this far into reading my introduction you'll know you need the help and support of someone who understands, like I do. So don't give up, say hello instead.
