Wavy, hugs.
PTSD.
I can get panic attacks from hearing AXHs name mentioned. The sound of his name can't hurt me. My lizard brain doesn't know that. It just wants to panic and run.
It's a day by day work to conquer the pain and fear. I have a quote from Barb Dwyer who used to post here as my go to. I say to myself: "Right now, I am safe. Right now, my children are safe. Right now, we have a roof I've our heads. Right now, we are warm and fed"
I moved to another state because it was exhausting to live in daily fear.
It's difficult enough living in fear without beating yourself up for it. Be good to yourself.