hey wtbh,
I hope you are still coming back and reading - none of this is your fault. He is entirely responsible for his behaviour and actions, no matter what you said (and in any other circumstance drawing the boundary you did would have been entirely appropriate with no negative consequences). But you are dealing with a clever, confident and getting away with it abuser who is able to manipulate people, including the legal system, to aide him. Alanon doesn't apply here, and unfortunately the legal system sometimes works against justice, fairness and any way that makes sense.
I think the strength of people's reaction on this thread is not because they think you are to blame, but because they care deeply for you and can see him escalating, and we can't do anything to help (and we want to keep you safe) but support and advise you.
I rarely come to this forum now, as exAH's madness is at a very manageable arms-length and I have slowly, slowly got all the pieces in place to protect myself, but I do come back to read how people are doing, and you are one of the names I look for.
I know you will get through this, the fact that you haven't imploded under the intolerable pressure you are under shows how strong you are, however fragile and weak you feel now. I know when I was living in a situation with a much less clever abuser my psyche was shattered, I was in "survival right now" mode and therefore some of the decisions I made may not have been the best for my long -term survival. I was to a certain extent a hostage, I am alive and stronger than ever, living a life that is peaceful, and filled with joy and the minor irritations of everyday life, so they can't have been that bad on balance.
He is holding you hostage, which means you need help from people who understand how to keep you and the girls safe from him - that probably isn't a lawyer - unless it's one used to dealing with dv cases just like yours. (my lawyer, bless her, once told me that if my ex came into the house and would not leave I "just had to make him" - I looked at her with utter incomprehension and asked how?)
I understand that this is NOT your fault, and that it is very easy for concerned onlookers, in love, to think we know what would have been a better way to react/behave/organise things (in retrospect, from across t'internet
) that's not to say that there aren't very good ideas in this thread, but I would have been unable to sort those ideas into "workable" and "liable to make him escalate further" on my own.
please don't be ashamed or embarrassed to talk to dv services, if you worked there you know that this can happen to anyone, that they would far rather you talked to them and allowed them to help you than, what? die? have him arrange matters so that you are locked up?
please, gather some of that strength, for you and your daughters and walk through the doors of the dv centre and tell them all this, print it out and let them read it, please - otherwise I am going to be forced to book a transatlantic flight to wherever it is you live and frog-march you there - what with me being codependent and all