lizatola

Hi guys, it's been a while. NOT posting about the A today, thank goodness, LOL! My problem most recently has stemmed from emotions that have come about due to a meeting I attend. This meeting has about 50 people, give or take 10 or 20 on any given week. So, it's a BIG meeting compared to most of the others that I attend. There is a group of folks in there, a mix of men and women, who are basically a wonderful group but also a click who spend time together outside of meetings.

I found myself longing to be a part of this 'group'. Talk about going back to high school with my emotions. These folks go out dancing, go to yoga classes, travel together, go to concerts, have dinner parties together, etc. There was a huge part of me that felt a humongous hole in my heart and I think I turned to these folks looking to them to fill that emptiness I was feeling. I wanted what they had. I wanted the depth of friendship they all had. In that core of people, there are 2 dating couples (both are recovering Al Anoners and both couples met each other in that meeting), a few recently divorced 30 something singles, and a few other folks in various stages of recovery.

Honestly, most of them are much further along in recovery than I am and I found that I was so drawn to their spiritual maturity as well as to their program work, etc. I wanted what they had.

So, in the past few weeks I have been feeling extremely uncomfortable in those meetings. Feeling like I couldn't wait for them to end, feeling ashamed for not being further along in my recovery, feeling ready to just give up my program. I had to take a step back and look at myself at this point. I left last week's meeting and cried in my car. What I finally realized was that my own jealousy and envy were getting the better of me. I neglected to point out to myself that these folks have been in program for years longer than I have. I didn't give myself any credit for how far I've come. I had a pity party because I felt that I didn't have close friendships like these people, etc.

I really had to look at how I have been at making friends, how I don't really have anyone in my life that I can call my 'best friend'. What I found was that: I do have friends and some of them are quite loyal. Some are more acquaintances, some are new friends whom I'm hoping to develop better relationships with, while some are old friends whom I'm trying to reconnect with. Some are program friends, while most are not. I've been taking a deeper look at my own character defects and my inability to develop long term friendships and the Al Anon program has given me the tools to do that with grace.

I realized that friendships have seasons. Sometimes an acquaintance can become a great new friend, a place of comfort and support, while an older friend is going through some major transitions and just doesn't have the time for 'us' right now. I have learned that whatever situation comes up regarding friendships, it's all OK. I don't have to work so hard to get people to like me, but I do have to reach out and send an email, send a text, make a phone call, etc and those things keep me connected to others(whether they are program folks or not).

So, a gal I met in program(she doesn't attend meetings much, though) is a Christian woman whom I admire very much. I don't know why she's even in Al Anon, quite frankly, but her spiritual maturity is catching, if you know what I mean. She invited a bunch of her Al Anon friends to her church's women's retreat. I hesitated and almost said no. Most everyone else said no anyway, and I realized that this woman would be the only one I'd know. I finally agreed to go and I'm so nervous but I know that I am doing this for my own spiritual growth and I assume I'll meet some nice ladies there, too. I'm trying to expand my horizons a bit, trying to get out of my comfort zone, and I'm hopefully using my program tools to do so.