I'll tell you the book that has helped me more than anything.
The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage.
It's an Al Anon book, one we've studied in our group, and it is far more relevant to me than anything I've found in the big book. It almost has a supernatural ability to speak to my current situation.
In some ways, yes, Chapter 8 is archaic; I found it had good points, but ultimately, we're not in recovery yet, so it plain doesn't apply. But even some of those points echo what we learn in Al Anon; that we focus on ourselves before them, always. The alternative to "live and let live" is to "Scream and let scream" for some of us. I have found that not jumping all over him for every perceived slight is more conducive to MY peace than anything, so that's what I do. That doesn't mean I ignore it; when he broke our agreement through my ultimatum, I had to stand firm, and ask him to leave.
Addicts are master manipulators. Focus on your own peace; it still sounds like you're letting him rule your emotions.