Thank you both so much for your kind words. I think going to some kind of AA or substance abuse meeting. But I'm so scared to admit that I have a problem. My fiancé is extremely supportive no matter what. I think he just doesn't want me to feel bad about myself so when I put myself down he says it's okay. He doesn't believe that I have a problem.. But if I seriously had a talk with him, he would support me.
As far as meeting my father, I don't know if I ever will. There is way too much emotion involved and I don't think I can deal with it. I just know someday Ill hear he's passed away and I won't know whether to be sad or not. It sucks. I feel so cheated. Hopefully someday I can forgive him.