well...this is it. All year I've been so stupid....always focusing on the next "nice family event" that's round the corner with the hope it would be better by then......yet since then all 4 of my kids have had birthdays, we've had two holidays, numerous nights out - and every one has either been bad....or worse, been good until she trashes the memory of it by saying later how she hated it.
in a month is my 40th, her birthday, our anniversary and then xmas.......I have been desperate not to have things bad for my 40th.......but I know now I'd rather be alone with my kids and KNOW its good than have her there and spend the next 6 months waiting for it to come up in an argument how she hated it and wished she had never been there in the first place.
I cant keep questioning myself when my daughter wants to move out too.....a pretty obvious sign!
I am giving her papers today to cut her from our business (my business)...and so it will start from there. Its killing me...but so is she.
We slept in the same bed last night.....I went to bed long after her. Even in her sleep she was talking about hating me.
This morining she is (until later) not drunk...yet still has nothing but hate in her eyes for me. She'll spend the day with friends, creating her "world" where I am bad and the reason for any upset in her life......and they'll lap it up and feed it back to her.
I'm done.....me and the kids from now. If she comes back clean in a year/5 years/whenever - I'd love it......but if she doesnt, she doesnt.......the woman she was is dead. I told myself that the 1% i used to see in her that reminded me of the one she used to be meant she was still in there somewhere........but I dont think she is. In fact, it doesnt matter - I cant go on loving 1% of someone, no matter how much I want to.
On our recent night out it was 5 hours of crap with a moment where she asked me to dance.......melted my heart. Highlight of my week/month. But I cant accept a life where its crap with occasional moments of greatness. I cant.