Hello Wendy,
you've provided the answer in your post, direct actions of AH:
he ruined my birthday
I still can't have my good friends and my husband together in a social situation. Before I knew he would embarrass me with his alcohol.
he can't just be friendly and sociable.
He snapped at my 4 year old so badly today
this person has alienated people who you care about, through drinking and being anti-social (hostile/rude). He's pushed people out of your life, and it's been replaced by him. He has been angry, overreacting and (dare I say traumatizing) to your child over small issues. He is a negative person and that has become your home life. Must it be perfect at home, lest he has a reason to flip out?
Indirect action of AH:
I really like having a glass of wine and now that's another thing I can't do.
In your life, a glass of wine is now near forbidden as you can't have wine in the house because he lacks self control. His choices, his addiction is controlling aspects of your life. Even sober, the control does not return.
What is wrong with me?
Nothing, except the codependent behaviors. Not as it could be, or should be, or was at some point, but as it is, as it has been; Do you see this relationship as something you want to be in? What about the daughter? What kind of environment would you have her raised in? Does this mesh with life with the AH? It isn't your fault. you can't cure him, you didn't cause it, you cannot control him. He owns his behavior, and you're not wrong to hold resentment towards him.