Hi Everyone,
Not a lot has changed since my last post (Dumped by my alcoholic), but I am still struggling with the same doubts.
I just dropped my son off with my ex. My ex appears to be in a dry phase, but I have seen him do this many times, usually for no more than a month. He blames his addiction on the fact that he was in relationships with me and his ex-wife.
When he broke up with me he told me, "I need to find myself." Since the breakup (almost 2 months ago) he has drank again. He was even arrested a month ago for trespassing in someone's yard and he says he doesn't know why he was there. He had been drinking that night and a friend of mine said he took a Klonopin that night too.
I have been told many times by many people that if he is not in a program or getting professional help that he is a) not going to stay sober and b) not going to stop being angry and having all of his alcoholic symptoms. I need to keep hearing this, because every time he does dry out on his own, I think that he must really be doing it.
I am in so much pain. It really hurts to think that he COULD do this on his own and that our relationship and I AM to blame. I know I didn't cause it. I know I can't cure or control it. I know I contributed to it and that I have to forgive myself for not knowing how I was doing that.
What are the chances that he will stay sober without a program? What are the chances that it really is relationships that keep him in his addiction and that without our relationship he will stay sober?
I am grieving so hard. I miss my old boyfriend who loved me so much. There is an imposter wearing his face and skin. I have to send my son to this creep every time I go to work. I feel like I'm waiting for something bad to happen to my son. My ex is good with him when he's sober, but not when he's drinking. His drinking is unpredictable though.
Recently my ex said that he did love me before, but that he has changed. The more I think about it, the more I think he stayed the same and I changed. He just wants to be free like he always was. He wants to keep going to shows like we always did.
I always felt like his drinking was an escape from me, but why did he seek me out in the first place? Why did he show me so much love initially if he didn't want to be in a relationship? I am the one who changed though. I had our baby and I wanted to be home with him. I would have liked to go out now and then, but my baby is more important. I think my ex might even be jealous of my relationship with my son underneath all of this. My ex even admitted that he stopped seeing me as a sexual being for awhile when I became the mother of his child. Ow! I have always been afraid of that.
I have always been afraid of all of what's happening in my life: rejection, abandonment, not being found attractive, single parenthood, potentially subjecting my child to an abuser.
The thing is that I feel like it's so unfair and wrong that we're apart. I just can't believe that he can't see what I see. Yes, I questioned this relationship 2 years in (we together for 7), because I felt disrespected and like I couldn't trust him. That has only gotten worse, but the underlying love is still there. I can't believe that he isn't more willing to try for our son's sake. I can't believe that he isn't reminded all day every day of the good times that we had and could still have. So many songs and inside jokes and fun things we used to do.
He blamed me for so much during our relationship, but since the breakup has backed off. Still, I hear the old tapes playing in my head and I feel like he is still blaming me for everything. I am trying not to blame myself for his ditching me.
I am so sick from this disease and I am hurting so bad. If he stays sober just because he's single, I will have a hard time not taking that personally.
