refusetosink

Hello I am new here. I discovered two days ago my husband has been secretly drinking. I feel the need to start at the beginning...
We began dating about 3 years ago. 6 months into dating we discovered we were pregnant. Stressful and unplanned but we moved in together and were happy together. That March 2011 he ruptured his Achilles. Def a dark time where he was obviously depressed. Around this time I had a suspicion that there was something he was not being truthful about re: finances as when we discussed he became very tense and agitated. When asked if there was something up he said no. I snooped through his stuff and found he was in the midst of filing for bankruptcy for back taxes. This developed some distrust, but after that I felt like he was being honest with me. I didn't snoop through his things much (maybe 3-4x in the 2 years since then) and found nothing. July our daughter was born and so began the craziness of life. At times he seemed moodier and distant but when we talked about it he discussed his stresses with a demanding work life (he works from home and is self employed), new fatherhood, etc. we are mostly happy, enjoying life.

September 2012. I discover I have an autoimmune disease after months of a lot of fatigue and other issues. The past year has been tough with me dealing with this, lots of ups and downs and often me fighting fatigue and struggling to work full time and take care of our daughter. But again mostly happy. Also in sept 2012 we discovered he had liver enzymes in the hundreds ( routine insurance testing). We were perplexed and tested hep b,c which were negative. We thought perhaps due to his blood pressure medication or his enjoyment of beer (1 20oz can most days of the week). He cut back and retested enzymes at the holidays and reported they had decreased.
We even got married a few months ago with our families there, daughter as flower girl, etc.

2 months ago I found about 10 empty 2 oz shooter bottles in the garage in a box of his stuff. I questioned it in my mind but felt they must be from a long time ago because I never see him drink or seeming drunk. The box was a mix of things he threw together when we moved in together a couple years before--and it appeared the box hadn't been touched since. I didn't bring it up to him. I had honestly just been cleaning the garage but I didn't want him to feel I was snooping.

A month ago (aug 2013) he was admitted to the ER due to stomach pain. We thought maybe appendicitis or gallstones. Both tests negative. His liver enzymes were in the thousands. Again, we were perplexed. I assumed their MUST be a gallstone that was so small they couldn't have seen. They sent him home and a few days later his pain was better. He stopped drinking. Maybe 3 beers since then (in front of me). He began dieting and swore off in and out burgers and greasy food.

Two days ago I was in his office resetting the modem. I had been feeling again he had something financial he was keeping and began snooping. I found a credit card bill from July (the month leading up to ER visit) that has $160 of liquor store visits (you can only buy liquor AT a liquor store here, so I know it wasn't groceries). We are talking EVERY day, many times two visits to two different stores (based on transaction date). One day had three visits. This is not counting possible cash transactions and his debit cards. We keep money separate and I don't have access to those. The only other statement I could find was January. That one had every 2-3 day visits, with more $ being spent than the can of beer he was drinking in front of me. But not like it was in July.

We talked about it. He admitted he had been severely depressed and using alcohol to cope. He says he drinks "high end tequila" and that's why the charges are so high. He often would get A beer to drink in front of me but secretly drink the hard alcohol. He has continued to drink since the ER visit. Says he keeps saying he will stop but is starting to think he can't on his own. Says it became worse after his Achilles rupture in 2011. Swears there is no other addiction or another woman (I had no real suspicions there were). I asked to see his bank account statements for August/September and he refused. Says he is embarrassed and doesn't want to rehash how bad it was just wants to "move forward". We discussed the idea if not ever drinking again and he said he didn't think he needed to go that far, but maybe just stop drinking until his enzymes become normal. I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen him visibly drunk, and on the other hand the number of times I've seem him drink hard alcohol. No mysterious nights out.
I think he has been drinking like this in times of stress for awhile. I'd guess he has a higher tolerance for it due to this and that's why he doesn't seem out of control drunk. But if he has been drinking our whole relationship ... Times when I assumed his eyes were red because he was exhausted and said "oh honey you look exhausted you sleep in tomorrow I'll get up with the baby!" He was likely drinking.

He works from home. It is possible he drinks during the day while out daughter is at daycare (I work three days a week 12 hour shifts). He denied this. But I think he knows if he said yes there would be a whole new level to this. The truth is I don't know when he drinks. Sometimes he stays up late working after I've gone to bed. I'm home 4 days a week he could drink in his office while I'm busy with our daughter. He has been juicing lately he could be pouring liquor in his juice. He did tell me that the days he knew it was bad was when he wanted to drink earlier in the day and he would have to wait until work was done and felt himself looking forward to that drink. I don't *think* he is driving intoxicated with her in the car...but I don't feel like I know anything anymore.

He says he uses alcohol to relax. Shut his brain off. I think he feels like he isn't an alcoholic. I didn't disagree with him because at that point I was just trying to Listen, be supportive and ascertain what is going on.

We have an appt Monday (soonest I could get). A therapist. First an appt for him then a couples one for us together.

I feel there is something else he is hiding. Porn addiction, pills, more financial issues. He says their isn't.

Other than this...I thought we were happy. Busy working parents but we laugh together and hug daily. Now I realize he has been in secret pain and depression. Drinking to help. I feel like the worst wife in the world for missing this.

Thoughts and advice are appreciated. This is a whole new world for me that I know little about beyond horror stories of people dying from liver disease and crashing cars, physical abuse...I never really thought this could be me and my husband.