Great post, TG
I'm finding that among other things, it's the fear of The Emptiness that drives the desperation to hang on to someone who replicates the dynamics we grew up with. My T gave the example of someone who compulsively cuts themselves: because it's better than The Emptiness. We cling to pain and crumbs because it's better than infinite loneliness, we think.
Long slog up but I'm growing!