Its a month today since I left my XABF. In many many ways thing are a lot better. Life is calm (almost boring!) and I'm enjoying being able to do whatever I feel like.
I can't say I miss XABF, but I do sometimes feel quite lonely. I miss the human warmth of having someone else there for a hug or just the comfort of having someone else near you. It used to be a very painful thing for me that he was my source of comfort, warmth, hugs when I needed that physical safety, but much of the time he was the reason I needed that comfort. He was both tormentor and comforter. So I can't exactly miss that comfort, I just feel lonely without any comfort. Its the sort of non-threatening, but manly and engulfing physical comfort I miss and am craving, like the hugs I'd get from my Dad or Brother. They live at the other end of the country tho, so I can't get those too often. I've gone to a few extra AlAnon meetings when I've felt particularly lonely, just to have the comfort of other people around me. Its a poor substitute, but it helps none the less. Anyway, that's not really what I came to write about!
As I've mentioned before I'm really struggling to finish my PhD. I thought once all the drama was over with from leaving XABF I'd be much better able to concentrate and make progress, but that hasn't been the case. I'm still getting pitifully little done, I still find it hard to focus on it. I really think I am self-sabotaging here. There is no reason I shouldn't be making progress and I know I am perfectly capable of finishing, I'm so close!
I think I am letting fear get the better of me. I've had so much change generally over the last year with starting counselling and AlAnon and changed so much of my outlook and specifically with the massive changes from leaving XABF and moving house. When I finish my PhD I'll be moving countries, to somewhere I don't speak the language very well. Its something that fulfills many of my dreams - living in a foreign country, learning to speak a new language fluently, working at a world class institution on very interesting projects. It is an exciting idea. I will admit though that I was still with XABF when I applied for and got the job and, on top of it ticking my dream boxes, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to get away from him, to have freedom and experience life.
All that being said, I'm terrified. Everything has just changed and I barely have a moment to catch my breath before everything is going to change again. And there is so much to organize! I'd just like some stable ground to gather myself before everything flips up again! So I think that's why I'm finding progressing with my PhD so hard, because finishing means facing yet more change. Yet not making progress brings me stress and frustration with myself, financial problems and more uncertainty. All of this is what I want! I want to finish my PhD, I want to move countries, but I'm paralysed by fear. And its so frustrating.
I understand that self-sabotage can be a common trait amongst ACoAs, I just don't know how to break it and time is ticking away, day by day of non-progress, which is not helping how I feel about myself or my motivation. My supervisor knows the basics of the situation I've been going through and I've got an extension until as I need it really, but the start date for the job is not so open ended, and neither is my bank account. I need to kick this into gear. I've always been a master at pulling things out the hat at the last minute, but this time its not happening, I truly feel paralysed.
So really after all that I'm looking for people's ES&H of how you dealt with self-sabotage and managed to move forward with the things you wanted, rather than letting fear hold you back. I really need some of that ES&H today!
