Dumped by my alcoholic
Hello,
I am trying to find perspective and relief from pain after being dumped by my alcoholic. We were together for 7 years and had a child 14 months before the breakup. The breakup was less than 2 months ago.
Of course, as a codependent, I tried all the things we typically do to try to get him to quit drinking (nagging, ultimatums I didn't stick to, arguing). He started to get quite critical, blaming and angry. When our son was born, I was tired and hormonal and got angry right back. It got very ugly. Still, I stayed. I wanted more than anything to make it work. I had never felt as loved by anyone as I did by my ex at the beginning of our relationship. I kept holding onto that.
The thing that hurts so bad (aside from being rejected by someone I thought would never stop loving me/the father of my child) is that he is trying to get sober NOW without me (or so he claims). He is kind of blaming his addiction on his relationships with me and his ex-wife ("all relationships are oppressive"). He didn't quit drinking the minute we broke up. In fact, he got arrested for trespassing in someone's yard late at night after drinking, taking a klonopin (recreationally) and then driving (I suspect he was blacked out). He even drank after that event.
I STILL believe him every time he says that this time he's really quitting. It is so hard not to take all of this very personally. It would be good for our son if my ex gets sober, but I can't help feeling very cheated. I can't help feeling like there is something wrong with ME if he couldn't get sober while being with me. I can't help feeling like he hates me when he chooses to quit drinking after leaving me.
He is still too close to me when he is able to keep hurting me (being angry/blaming, sending a text to me that he wrote to someone else saying that he is no longer attracted to me). I need to find someone to act as a liaison for picking up and dropping off our son. I hate seeing my ex. It hurts so bad. All I wanted was to be in a loving trio with him and our son and I get the opposite of that. I feel like he hates me, even though I am a sweet, loving, ethical person. At least I have my little guy to bring sunshine into my life.
I feel a little guilty that I want my ex to fail at getting sober. I want him to see that it's not about me and relationships. It's about his disease. I guess he would have to quit in order to ever possibly come to that conclusion.
It is so hard to feel good about myself when the person who treated me like crap is the one to ditch out on me. It should have been the other way around. I try to see it as him doing me a favor, but I have a lot of self doubt. I am constantly remembering things that I like or did that he scoffed at. He used to think I was amazing.
I don't need anyone to tell me that I need to love myself, take care of myself, focus on myself. I know these things, whether on not they are easy to incorporate. What I would like is for people to shed light, if they have any, on alcoholic behavior and if there's something I'm failing to see here. For example, a friend of mine today said, "If they open their mouth, they are lying, cheating or stealing. That's what they do." Could this be true?