Hi there op, it sounds like you're having trouble with the whole idea that if you don't go to meetings you will relapse, so why not drink! I can totally understand your frustration and confusion, I would be exactly the same way. I don't like feeling like someone or something else has more power over my drinking than me. I will not accept that abstinence can be so flimsy, dependent on other people. I am not powerless.
I read RR but there are of course lots of different ways to find what fits you. Do some reading and be proud that you got through 3 months without drinking - that was you who did that, not anything or anyone else. You and you alone.