Welcome Patricia!
I'm sorry you're upset - but in a way it's good to be scared. For many years I wasn't - I just kept justifying my behavior and going further down into hell. This won't happen to you. I'm so glad you reached out for some help and support.
Peaches is right - alcohol is not the answer to anything. Nothing changes or gets better when we're numb. I'm glad you want a better life for yourself - you can do this.