Originally Posted by
ACOAHappyNow 
She said my father used alcohol all his life so that he wouldn't have to feel. She said he was a coward in that sense, and that those of us who don't use substances to mask our feelings were brave.
It really helped me because I grew up thinking I was weak and cowardly because I had feelings and fears and my father didn't seem to have any emotion besides rage that I could see. I concluded there was something wrong with me for not being like him and felt badly about myself.
Now I realize he wasn't superhuman, he was just numb from the substance abuse. And that it's more brave to feel the feelings, than it is to drink to make the feelings go away.
hello ACOAHappyNow. This really struck a chord. My father drunk to deal with his feelings as he couldn't live with himself. Then he raged. I am reminded of this when I see his family ("oh, your father had such demons" etc etc).
They drink, and then cause misery to others. You are brave as it took real vulnerability to have those feelings and sit with them in the environment you were in. I drunk on them, and it's really no way to live your life.
My father was also narcissistic... it's very damaging to those around them and we are no way to blame for their behaviour, pouring alcohol on disorders like that is total mayhem. Dealing with conflicting feelings for you at this time will be hard but you using all the support on here and outside will help you (as you are doing)
. Thoughts are with you