When I read your post, Wtrsnas, it felt hauntingly familiar. I could have written the same words about one month ago. My boyfriend of nearly 5 years has had a drinking problem for the last 3.5 years. Like you, it kind of crept up on me, on both of us.
My bf was never "Barney the drunk". Despite drinking heavily, he always showed up to work, never poured a drink first thing in the morning, never drove drunk or got drunk in public. It was easy for him to deny a problem. Yet I still had anxiety. At his worst, he was drinking a full bottle or more of cheap vodka EVERY night. I have never been a drinker, so I didn't know how much was "a lot". It began to effect our relationship. He was incapable of intelligent conversation in the evening and eventually started saying and doing nasty things. Like your bf, he often had no recollection of the prior night's events. Then the "night terrors" started. After drinking himself to sleep, on several occasions, he would get up and act frighteningly violent. About an hour later he would "wake up" with no memory of what had just happened. But unlike your bf, this scared the crap out of him. That combined with the fact that he began to replace food with alcohol, and eventually stopped eating altogether, really woke him up. He checked himself into detox and has been sober, and struggling to stay that way, for a month now. He remains committed to regaining control of his life.
As is the case with you, his friends and family seemed content to ignore the problem. With the exception of one friend. That friend never gave up, even though it nearly cost his friendship with my bf. Neither of us gave up. But it is true that no amount of love and commitment can change an alcoholic's behavior. They have to do that for themselves. I understand your reluctance to "abandon" your bf to this disease. I understand because I have had that same reluctance. That said, it is such a terribly fine line between helping someone you love and hurting yourself. YOU are worth saving, too. You are not the cause of, or solution to, your bf's drinking.
During the worst of my bf's drinking I struggled with depression and desperation. I had a lot of anxiety. I still do. But I have learned that it is ok for now if your future is unclear, you just need to recognize that you have a future. If you have been strong enough to mentally and emotionally support both of you this far, you are strong enough to survive on your own. You can love someone, support someone, refuse to give up - yet still remember to love yourself enough to recognize that you are living in fear in your own home. It is ok to start taking care of yourself. Please don't let the thing that finally wakes him up be something along the lines of him seriously hurting you. Your bf may wake up on his own. He may never wake up. But you are awake. It is time to start redirecting your energy toward yourself.