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Old 08-27-2013, 10:44 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Kansas
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by allforcnm View Post
It sounds like you hung in with him and his addiction(s) and ended up in true physical pain/exhaustion. Stepping away and allowing yourself time to heal, examine your own life sounds like it was the right choice to bring you back to a healthy place.

Hmm, I hadn't thought of it that way. That's a great summary of how I felt and what I needed to do to see through the fog.

I have regrets over separating with my husband so quickly after his addiction was identified. He made it clear he didnt see a problem and didn't want to stop, but having no background we were both so naive about drugs and addiction. We did get back together; a little over a year later is when he basically came home and asked for help.

Yes! I was so na´ve about addiction when we started dating and got married. Looking back I wish, despite he the fact he was completely sober at that time, that I had started to attend or immerse myself in understanding addiction. I would have bee more prepared to identify red flags.

What is the status with your ex now? Did he stop using, or is he getting any kind of help? Have you been in contact, and how is it between you?

He lives with his dad a few hours away. I tried to go no contact but failed. I have been successful I tapering contact. Last I heard, he was attending support meetings and trying to find a sponsor. He lives in a very rural area of the state so resources are limited. He has been unemployed for the past year and is currently doing odd jobs. He has stated he knows he needs intensive therapy/treatment but lacks the funds to do this.

Questions I would ask myself; was the relationship healthy and fulfilling before the drug use began? Would you be willing to go through another relapse down the road ? How have you been doing on your own? Dig deep to find why you regret ending the relationship - i.e. maybe you are lonely, or the opposite feel free and happy and have guilt over moving on with your life?

I love these question. Very thought provoking. Before his drug use, yes the relationship was fulfilling. I felt complete. I felt "home." I have struggles on my own I imagine that some is from being lonely, some is form being in the house we shared and I think of all the good times, and some is most likely guilt from trying to move forward and sad that I can't take him along with me. I also get sad that I can't share my excitement when I make a breakthrough in therapy or when just when something great happens that he would love or find funny.

If he is in the same place as he was when you left, then getting back into the situation would probably not lead to a fulfilling relationship. You might be better suited to cope now, and carry on with your own life in a productive way; but don't you deserve the whole package in a relationship?

Having said that, at the point my husband chose treatment; rehab, working with a therapist- I've stood by him, welcomed him home, and we both continue to work on ourselves, our marriage, and family.

I wish you peace in whatever choices you make going forward. None of the choices we make are easy, and most are made with many unknown variables in play. We just do the best we can.
You make excellent points. Perhaps I need to stop looking back and look forward. Make the best of today and acknowledge that there are several unknown variables that I can't control.
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